Thursday, May 8, 2008

Praise For Ex-es

Praise for Ex-Wives and Ex-Husbands
Chances are 50% of just about everyone reading this Better Sex Blog post is an ex. You may be an ex-husband or an ex-wife, but roughly 50% of every married couple reading this has been through a divorce. Divorce sucks. Anyone that tells you they had a "friendly" divorce is lying, crazy or a better person than moi.

After a bit, and this can take years, you find moments of Zen. Blame, anger and frustration fall away leaving an open space. Lately I've filled that open space with praise and admiration for my ex. Like most things, I came to this idea by thinking about myself (hint that was a problem during our 22 year marriage). What I realize is there is no way I am who I am, be that good, bad or indifferent, without my ex-wife. Unlike Jim Carrey in the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, we can't erase sections of our experience. Our memories and experiences are all there all the time. Eternal Sunshine begs the question. Would you erase painful stretches leaving peace and party time? My answer now that there is space between divorce pain and this moment is a resounding, "No!” As much as we want the perfect life it is rarely granted. This means tuning the imperfect life is what almost every human must learn to do. You don't get to this moment without every experience, without all the pain and glory.

Contributions made by ex-wives and ex-husbands should not be taken for granted or buried. Ex-wives and ex-husbands contribute catalyst moments, moments that define who and what we are and what we know to be true. Some things may need new input and recalibration. Sex, for most, is one of those things. Divorce means old routines are gone forever. While this can be a REALLY GOOD THING, it can also be scary. We are scared because we fool ourselves into believing in a permanent, fixed universe. No such universe exists of course, change is the only true thing, but our minds seek this illusion over and over again like a thirsty man sees water in the desert. BTW, one of the main functions of our products such as The Better Sex Video Series and Great Sex For A Lifetime is as recalibration tools. They help newly divorced people wipe their slate clean in anticipation of their next sexual journey.

In the midst of my divorce I was lucky to see Buddhist nun Pema Chodron on Charlie Rose. Chrodon's book When Things Fall Apart was a comfort and life saver. What Chrodon helped me see is that things are always falling apart. They come together to fall apart again. Falling apart is nature's natural state, our natural state. The Zen of the world may be in understanding that falling part is ok, ex-wives and ex-husband deserve praise and love and change is a good thing.

Martin

1 comment:

Mike said...

After really contemplating this blog I walked away with - To live a truly happy life you have to give positive recognition to our complete experiences good and bad alike. If you plant the opposite seed you close off the abundance that God wants for us all.